Rivers do not drink their own water: trees do not eat their own fruit … Life is good when you are happy, but much better when others are happy because of you.
~ Pope Francis
Last week, I wrote about how humans are designed for connection. The very day I published that piece, I came across an article about the “epidemic of loneliness.” A 2023 wellbeing report stated that more than a third of Americans report feeling lonely at least weekly. This so-called epidemic has been tracked for over two decades and seems to have gotten worse. Reasons for that increase range from left-over effects from quarantine, an increase in remote work, divisive partisan politics that aim to isolate people, and a general increase in time spent online.
You probably won’t be surprised to learn that chronic loneliness shortens our life spans. It is associated with an increased risk of Type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, anxiety, depression, and suicidality.
If loneliness is an epidemic, then third places offer a solution. Third places is a term originating from the 1989 book The Great Good Place by sociologist Ray Oldenberg. It refers to any place where you can voluntarily connect with others that isn’t your first place (home) or your second place (work or school). Common third places are churches, coffee shops, parks, and yoga studios. These places are safe, healing spaces.
I have several meaningful third places. The first is my book club, where every meeting is accompanied by great food and wine. The members span four decades. We never agree on the book, but our lovely – and often boisterous – discussions always inspire and excite me. We have matching bracelets that read BABWR, or Badass Bitches Who Read.
I’m also on a Pickleball team named Carpe Dink-em that plays weekly. We aren’t that skillful yet, but we only learned to play in May and we’re getting better all the time. We have so much fun that a “good” game almost seems beside the point. It’s more about moving and learning and the good-natured ribbing you must endure when your side gets pickled.
Even my extremely introverted husband has a third place. His is Al’s Bar on Heavy Metal Night. The music is so loud that he literally cannot speak to anyone else (which he prefers), but he and the other 7 Doom Metal fans in Central Kentucky can all smile at one another while they headbang like toddlers in parallel play.
My Quarters (my college besties; there are four of us) are another lifeline, even though we can only see each other a few times a year since we live in different cities and states. We text almost daily and enjoy zoom cocktail hour, but the real magic happens when we are in the same room together. Like gorillas grooming their mates, we will spend the weekend in almost constant contact, standing or sitting close enough that we touch, shoring up that physical contact. Online presence doesn’t allow for the same amount of co-regulation. That knowledge matters greatly in a world increasingly online. We have to set down our phones and interact with real people in real time to be our favorite selves.
The magic of third places isn’t in where you go or what you do. It’s in the opportunity to co-regulate nervous systems with other people. Co-regulation is how our interactions with others help regulate our emotional and physiological states. When people interact in real life, their heart rhythms, brain wave activity, and hormone release become matched. It can be a mutual exchange of comfort, support, and understanding when you’re around the right people.
And the “right” people? They’re the ones that make you feel safe. Surprisingly, these people don’t have to think exactly like you. My third-place people look, think, act, and sometimes even vote differently than me. But they all accept me in a way that intrinsically makes me feel supported and nurtured. They have celebrated the best times of my life and helped me navigate the tough times.
What are your third places? And if you don’t have one, why not?
